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Treating Narcissism in Relationships: Empathic Confrontation
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Informed by the science-based model, Schema Therapy, along with other proven models for treating couples, there is some consensus that core unmet emotional needs can lead to maladaptive life themes (schemas) and self-defeating coping behaviors. Schema chemistry can play an important role in partner selection, for example, choosing someone who may replicate a familiar experience with a parent or other significant caregiver, or someone who appears to fill a longstanding void—often resulting in longings and needs that go unfulfilled and schema triggering, conflict escalations, detachment, and violations of trust, create deeper fractures in attachment and intimacy.
Dealing with issues of narcissism in the intimate relationship poses an even greater challenge in the treatment room, where the narcissist’s typical devaluing, approval-seeking, entitled, controlling, “victim/martyr”, and passive-aggressive reactions and behaviors, are often paired with a partner who is burdened by the challenges of self-doubt, self-diminishment, subjugation, and self-sacrifice. Narcissists are notorious for denial, defensiveness, devaluation, and defiantly detached reactions when confronted about their hurtful contributions to the problems in the relationship. Restoring trust and intimacy can seem like an overwhelming and insurmountable endeavor.
Unlike most other approaches to couple’s treatment, schema therapy offers a protocol that does not insist on exclusive conjoint work. This approach appreciates the value of flexibility where individual treatment and conjoint treatment are part of an integrated plan, when necessary.
Wendy T. Behary, MSW, LCSW, The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey
With 25 + years of professional experience and advanced level certifications, Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and the Schema Therapy Institutes of NJ-NYC-DC. She has been treating clients, training professionals and supervising psychotherapists for more than 20 years. Wendy was on the faculty of the Cognitive Therapy Center and Schema Therapy Institute of New York (until the Institutes merged in 2012), where she trained and worked with Dr. Jeffrey Young since 1989.
She is a founding fellow and consulting supervisor for The Academy of Cognitive Therapy (Aaron T. Beck’s Institute). Wendy served as the President of the Executive Board of the International Society of Schema Therapy (ISST) from 2010-2014 and served as the Training and Certification Coordinator for the ISST Executive Board from 2008-2010. She is currently the chair of the Schema Therapy Development Programs Sub-Committee for the ISST.
Wendy Behary has co-authored several chapters and articles on Schema Therapy and Cognitive Therapy. She is the author of an international bestselling book, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, translated in 15 languages. The Third Edition was released on October 1, 2021. Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. As an author and an expert on the subject of narcissism, she is a contributing chapter author of several chapters on schema therapy for narcissism for professional readers. She lectures both nationally and internationally to professional and general audiences on schema therapy, narcissism, interpersonal relationships, anger, and dealing with difficult people. She receives consistent high praise for her clear and articulate teaching style and her ability to bring the therapy to life through dramatic demonstrations of client interactions in the treatment room.
Her work industry business speaking engagements focus on interpersonal conflict resolution. Her private practice is primarily devoted to treating narcissists, partners/people dealing with them, and couples experiencing relationship problems.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Wendy Behary is the co-founder, Clinical Director, and Director of Training for The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and The Schema Therapy Institute of NJ-NYC-DC. She is a published author and receives royalties. Wendy Behary receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Wendy Behary serves on the advisory board of the International Society for Schema Therapy and is a member of the NJ Association of Cognitive-Behavior Therapists, and the International Association of Cognitive-Behavior Therapists.
