“A compassionate road map and survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships...” —Jay Shetty, New York Times bestselling author of Think Like a Monk and host of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast
From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.
Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.
Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.
Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and the founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting, a company focused on educating individuals, clinicians, and businesses/institutions on the impact of narcissistic personality styles. Her academic research was focused on the impact of personality and personality disorders on health and behavior.
She is an author of multiple books including Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist, and ”Don’t You Know Who I Am?” How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility and her newest book, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People will be released in February 2024 (Penguin Life). Dr. Durvasula is a faculty member for the APA Leadership Institute for Women in Psychology, and a consulting editor for the journal Behavioral Medicine. She has spoken widely on the impact of narcissism on mental health , relationships, and the workplace. She also operates a popular YouTube channel and podcast (Navigating Narcissism). Dr. Durvasula is also working with PESI on the development of an educational and certification program for clinicians working with clients experiencing the fallout of narcissistic relationships.
Financial: Ramani Durvasula is the founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training, and Consulting. She maintains a private practice and has employment relationships with the California State University Los Angeles and the University of Johannesburg. Ramani Durvasula receives royalties as a published author. She receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Ramani Durvasula is an associate editor for Behavioral Medicine and a consulting editor for Psychology of Women Quarterly and Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Mental Health. She is an ad hoc reviewer for the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology, AIDS and Behavior, and Sex Roles: A Journal of Research. Ramani Durvasula is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science Society for Behavioral Medicine, and the International Association of Applied Psychology.
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