Principle 7: Replace the Four Horsemen with Gentle Conflict Management Skills

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Speaker

John M. Gottman, PhD Related seminars and products

The Gottman Institute

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John Gottman, Ph.D., is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he established what the media called, "The Love Lab," and conducted much of his award-winning research on couple interaction and treatment. Dr. Gottman has studied marriage, couples and parent relationships for nearly four decades. He has authored or co-authored 119 published articles as well as 44 books, including: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and How You Can Make Yours Last, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, And Baby Makes Three and The Marriage Clinic.

World renown for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. Gottman's research has earned him numerous national awards, including: Four five-year-long National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards; The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Distinguished Research Scientist Award; The American Psychological Association Division of Family Psychology Presidential Citation for Outstanding Lifetime Research Contribution; The National Council of Family Relations 1994 Burgess Award for Outstanding Career in Theory and Research.

Dr. Gottman, together with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which provides clinical training, workshops, services, and educational materials for mental health professionals, couples, and families. He is also the co-founder and Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute which has created treatments for couples transitioning to parenthood and couples suffering from minor domestic violence.

Dr. Gottman has presented hundreds of invited keynote addresses, workshops, and scientific presentations, to avid audiences around the world including Switzerland, Italy, France, England, Israel, Turkey, South Korea, Australia, Canada, Sweden and Norway. A wonderful story-teller and expert, Dr. Gottman has also appeared on many TV shows, including Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, and he has been written up in numerous print articles, including Newsweek, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman's Day, Men's Health, People, Self, Reader's Digest, and Psychology Today.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman currently live on Orcas Island, near Seattle, Washington. They conduct weekly and intensive couples therapy sessions, provide small group retreats, teach workshops and clinical trainings and give presentations and training workshops around the world.

 

Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Dr. John Gottman is the co-founder and chief scientist of Gottman Inc. and has an employment relationship with the Relationship Research Institute. He receives a grant from the Administration for Children and Family and the Kirlin Foundation. Dr. Gottman receives royalties as a published author. He receives a speaking honorarium, book royalties, and recording royalties from PESI, Inc.
Non-financial: Dr. John Gottman is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Psychological Association, and the American Psychological Society National.

Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD Related seminars and products

Co-Owner

The Gottman Institute

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Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., is the co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute, and Clinical Supervisor for the Couples Together Against Violence study. A highly respected clinical psychologist, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. Creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, she also designed and leads the national certification program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy for clinicians. Her other achievements include: Washington State Psychologist of the Year; Author/co-author of five books, including, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, And Baby Makes Three, The Marriage Clinical Casebook, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, and The Man’s Guide to Women; Wide recognition for her clinical psychotherapy treatment, with specialization in distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, substance abusers and their partners, and cancer patients and their families.

Inspiring, empowering, respectful, and kind, Julie’s leadership of The Gottman Institute has made it possible to identify and integrate the expertise of her staff, therapists, and the wider research and therapeutic community. Her commitment to excellence and integrity assures that as The Gottman Institute grows, it continues to maintain the highest ethical and scientific standards.

She is in private practice in the Seattle area, providing intensive marathon therapy sessions for couples. She specializes in working with distressed couples, abuse and trauma survivors, those with substance abuse problems and their partners, as well as cancer patients and their families.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman currently live on Orcas Island, near Seattle, Washington. They conduct weekly and intensive couples therapy sessions, provide small group retreats, teach workshops and clinical trainings, and give keynote presentations around the world.

Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is the co-founder of the Gottman Institute and Affective Software, Inc. She is the clinical director of The Relationship Research Institute, and she maintains a private practice. Dr. Schwartz Gottman is the owner of Gottman Couples' Retreat. She is a guest lecturer at the University of Puget Sound and Seattle Community Colleges, and she receives compensation as an international speaker. She is a published author and receives royalties, and she receives a speaking honorarium, recording royalties, and book royalties from PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is a member of the American Psychological Association.

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Objectives

1. Incorporate researched-based strategies into clinical practice to help couples improve their relationships
2. Analyze the strength of couple intimacy and friendship in order to understand how relationship patterns influence love, trust, and conflict management
3. Utilize resources and tools to help clients enhance friendship and intimacy in their relationship
4. Examine the role of therapist in improving couple interactions and therapy outcomes, including understanding the collaborative nature of therapy, incorporating research findings, and use of interventions
5. Provide detailed demonstrations and case studies identifying each of the 10 principles and how to effectively utilize the techniques and interventions with couples
6. Summarize factors that contribute to affairs in marriage, and analyze the misconceptions about marital infidelity
7. Identify the Gottman 3 step process in treating affairs to improve clinical outcomes
8. Describe the implications of the Gottman method of couple’s therapy for addiction, personality disorders, and domestic violence
9. Examine how to prevent adverse behavior relapse during and after therapy
10. Teach self-soothing strategies to help manage flooding in couples
11. Modify treatment strategies for couples who have experienced domestic violence and infidelity
12. Explore past hurtful couple experiences to reduce their negative impact and help clients move forward together toward improved treatment outcomes.
13. Articulate clinical strategies that aid in reducing conflict in couples
14. Facilitate healthy sharing of feeling, active listening, and increased empathy between conflicted partners in session

Outline

Introduction

Introduction to Speakers and their Experience

• Dave Penner interviews John & Julie Gottman

Background

• Motivations for pursuing couple therapy career
• Lessons Learned along the way
• Self-care efforts in work with difficult couples
• Early Gottman research milestones

Overview of Gottmans’ 10 Principles

Principle 1: Use Researched Based Methods for Doing Couple Therapy

The Importance of Research in Couple Therapy

• If you can measure it, You can build it

Common Relationship Myths

Limits to Research on Compatibility

Factors that Predict Relationships

• Predicting Stability
• Predicting Instability

What Couples Fight About Most

Role of Conflict in Divorce Prediction

• Not all conflict is the same

Impact of Loss of Admiration

• Nonverbal indicators of Couple Connection

Domestic Violence in Relationships

• Characterological: No-Guilt Perpetrator & Fearful Victim
  • Pitbulls: Flooded Violence
  • Cobras: Calculated Violence
• Situational: Mutual minor violence motivated by a share desire for change

New Research on Treating Affairs

Principle 2: Assess First, Then Decide on Treatment

The Assessment Process

• Step 1: Obtain a Narrative for Couple Therapy Goals
• Step 2: Oral Relationship History
• Step 3: Sample Conflict Discussion

Relationship Checkup Online Assessment

Providing Therapist Feedback on Couple Strengths & Challenges

The Value of Assessment Prior to Treatment

• Making Assessment Feeling like Therapy
• Assessments save therapy time
• Assessments help reveal couple strengths and generate hope

Impact of an Affair on the Assessment

Modifying assessment to short term treatment constraints

Relationship Assessment Questionnaire

• Active and Engaged Assessment

* Video Case Study (Mike & Marilyn):

• Marathon Therapy, Oral History

Principle 3: Understand each partner’s world

Determining which partner to see first

No secrets policies

• Benefits & Risks

Identifying when Couple therapy is premature

Asking about Domestic Violence

• A nonjudgmental approach to dishonesty

* Video Case Study:

• Individual Focus with Partner Present

Principle 4: Map your Treatment Route

Preparing to Give Feedback to Couples

• Review conflict resolution skills
• Review individual issues they brought into the relationship

When Partners view their relationship differently

When One Partner is engaged and the other is checked out

* Video Case Study: Assessment

• Co-Morbidities
• Affair-related PTSD

Therapist as Holder of Hope

• Humility & Empirically Based Tools

Sitting with the Couple’s Truth

• vs. Changing Couple Perceptions

Giving Feedback to Couples

Sound Relationship House

• Defining the couple’s level
• Identifying couple progress
• Providing tools for help and hope
• Confirming fit with couple’s relationship perception

Duration of Therapy Process

* Video Case Study

• Overview of Atonement, Attunement, Attachment

Principle 5: Soothe Yourself and then Intervene

Two Aspects of Soothing

• Helping Flooded Couples
• Preventing Flooded Therapists

Helping Flooded Couples

• Clinical Role Play
• Increasing Couple Physiological Self-Awareness
• Role of Physiology on Relational Dynamics
  • Flooding as Hostility and Helplessness
• Couple Self-Soothing Strategies
  • Pause the Interaction
  • Designate a Return Time
  • Relaxation Exercises
  • Lower Heart Rate

Preventing Flooded Therapists

• Therapist Self-Care Strategies
• Model Calmness to Couple
• Utilize Strategic Distractions

Principle 6: Process Regrettable Incidents

Managing Conflict: The Aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident

The Benefit of Processing an Incident to Let Go of the Past

• Step 1: Sharing Feelings
  • Listening to each other’s Point of View
  • Eliminating Criticism and Blame
• Step 2: Empathizing, Summarizing, Validating
• Step 3: Identifying & Expressing Triggers
• Step 4: Taking Responsibility
  • Beyond “I’m Sorry”
• Step 5: Moving Forward
  • Doing things differently to avoid repeat experiences
• The necessity of mutuality

Confronting the Barrier of Rightness

• Validation without Agreement

Addressing Unequal Responsibility

Recent and Distant Past Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution Modifications

• Infidelity
• Characterological Domestic Violence

* Video Case Study: Attunement

• Domestic Violence Safety Assessment
• Nonjudgmental Care and Concern

Principle 7: Replace the Four Horsemen with Gentle Conflict Management Skills

How to Replace the 4 Horsemen with Gentle Conflict Management

• Background of the 4 Horsemen
• Ratio of Positive to Negative as Predictor of the Future of the Relationship

Power of Emotions

• Not all Emotions are Equal in their Impact
• Empirical Analysis of Which Negative Emotions are the Best Predictors of the Demise of Relationships
  • Criticism, Defensiveness Stonewalling, Contempt

Video Case Study

• Introduction to the Couple Steve & Krista
• Contempt: Looking Down on Someone From a Place of Superiority
• Criticism: Attributing a Lasting Negative Trait to Someone
  • Antidote to Criticism & Contempt
    • Don’t Describe Your Partner; Describe Yourself Using Feeling Statements
    • “I feel” and “I need”
    • For Contempt, Build a Culture of Appreciation
    • Say Positive Things about Your Partner
    • Notice What They’re Doing Right
    • Be Grateful

Criticism & Defensiveness

• Counterproductive Defensive Responses to Criticism
  • Counterattack Criticism
  • “You Always, You Never” Criticism
  • The Key is to Describe Yourself; Take Responsibility
• Therapist’s Response to Criticism & Defensiveness
  • Stop the Interaction
  • Point out the Horsemen
  • Define The Horsemen
  • Discuss the Research
  • Provide the Antidote

• Contempt as the Most Corrosive of Love Health & the Best Predictor of Relationship Demise

Gottman Rapport Intervention

• Premise: Postponing Problem Solving, Persuasion, or Advise Until Able to State the Other’s Position
  • People Must Be Calm in order to do this
• Speaker Role
  • Gentle Start-up

• No Attacking/Blaming

• Listener Role:
  • Active & Compassionate Listening
  • Listening to Understand, Not Prove a Rebuttal
• Goal of conflict Management: Mutual Understanding
• Video Case Study
  • Validating is Not the Same as Agreeing
  • The Approach is Generally Well Received by Couples

Dreams Within Conflict Intervention

• Intervention Questions

• What is this About for You?
• What is the Existential Core?
• Is There a Childhood Issue/History?
• What is the Purpose or Meaning Behind Your Position?

• Video Case Study

• Goal: To Understand Our Partner’s Position
• Coaching the Partner to Ask Questions Meets the Goal of  Eliminating the Therapist
• Without an Understanding of the Partner’s Feelings; you Won’t have a Full Understanding of Them

• When Dreams are in Opposition

• No Compromise

Compromise Intervention

• Video Case Study
• Differences Between Inflexible (Non-Compromise) and the Flexible (Willing to Compromise) Tasks

• Inflexible: The Ideal Dream/Core Need That if you Give it Up, You’re Giving Up Your Identity
• Flexible: The “Who, What, Where, When, & Why” of Making the Compromise Happen
• Sometimes an Inner circle Cannot Be Compromised On
  • Topics of Kids, Blended Families, Living in Separate Countries
  • May Result in Separation

• Solvable Problems = Compromise
• Perpetual Problems = Making Temporary Compromises & Revising Periodically

Principle 8: Strengthen Friendship & Intimacy

Overview

• Gottman’s Free Love Maps Card Deck Apps
  • Downloadable Forms
  • Card Decks (Gottman Institute)
  • Free apps Containing the Card Decks

Friendship Interventions / What Kind of Friends Are the Couple

3 Components of Friendship

• Knowing Your Partner Intimately
• Fondness & Admiration
• Turning Towards vs. Turning Away From vs. Turning Against

Love Maps

• Video Case Study
  • Defining Knowing Who Your Partner is
  • How to Use the Love Maps Card Deck
  • Partners Answer Different Questions (More Dynamic)
• How to Respond to the Differences in How Well Partners Know Each Other
  • Focus on the Dynamic Between Them (Rather than Blaming)
• Range of Depth in Questions
  • Reflects the Levels/Complexities of the Partner
• Couple/Partner Resistance to Love Map Questions
  • Managing the Exercises: In Session, As Homework, For a Brief Time Before Transitioning to Open-Ended Questions

Open Ended Questions

• Open-Ended Questions App
• Differences Between Love Map & Open-Ended Questions
  • Love Map: Introduction, Simple, Shorter
  • Open-Ended: Much Longer, More In-Depth Answers, Deepens Partners Knowledge of the Other

• Video Case Study
  • Both Partners Answer the Same Questions (More Depth)
  • Themes: Emptiness, Happiness, Black & White/All Good or All Bad Thinking
• Good-Enough Therapy
  • Therapy as Collaborative Effort
  • Couples Bring the Depth to the Therapy Sessions
  • Work with the Interventions Based on Research
  • Follow Therapist Intuition
  • Direct Couple to Talk to Each Other vs. Talk to Therapist
    • Healthy Couples Talk to Each Other
    • Focus on Talking to Therapist
      • When Emotions Do Not Match Words
      • When One Partner Becomes Anxious, Stonewalls, or Shuts Downs
      • When There is a Turning Away or Turning Towards (Change in Body Posture)

• The Stress Reducing Conversation

• Discussing Stressors Occurring Outside of the Relationship
• Turning Towards/Turning Away

• Video Case Study

• Overview
• Steps to the Stress Reducing Conversation
  • Show Interest by Asking Partner Questions
  • Empathize (Making a Statement About Partner’s Feelings)
  • Take Your Partner’s Side

• When Partner’s Resist Sharing Their Stress
• Highlight the Human need to Receive & Give
• Identify Where Partner Puts their Stress 

Principle 9: Dive Deep to Create Shared Meaning

Overview

• Card Decks & Handouts

Establishing a Stronger Bond

• Doing Things Together
• Establishing Meaning of Those Things
• The Logistics of Making a Ritual (Based on the Works of William Doherty)

Case Study: Rituals of Connection

• 2 Card Decks
• Fun & Play Deck
• Rituals of Connection Deck
  • Establishing a Regular Time Where You Can Connect
  • Establishing a Time You Can Connect
  • Chose a Card to Build a Ritual of Connection Around that also Has Deep Meaning
  • How Were Things Done in Your Own Family
  • What You Would Like the Ritual to Look Like in Your Family
  • What Makes a Ritual Meaningful
  • Detailed Specific Questions Regarding How to make the Ritual a Reality
  • Rituals of Connection

• Therapists Role
  • Manage Therapist’s Emotions
  • Stop Any Criticism

Difference Between Creating Shared Meaning & Deepening Friendship

• Friendship is Feeling Safe & Vulnerable Enough to Talk About What’s In One’s Heart.
  • Are You There for me?
  • Do you Know What I need?
  • Do I know What My Partner Needs?
• Creating Shared Meaning Elevens the Relationship to a More Profound Level
  • What Makes Your life Worth Living
  • May Reflect Cultural, Religious, & Family Legacy Matters
  • Reflecting & Sharing Out Loud
  • Examples of Shared Meaning

Principle 10: Suspend Moral Judgment When Treating Affairs

Misconceptions About Affairs

• Affairs Happen Because Partner is Searching for Romance/Self-Identity
• Affairs Happen Due to a Desire for Sex
• Happily Married Couples Have Affairs
• The Truth: Affairs are the Result of Loneliness in Marriage
• To Understand Affairs; We Must Understand Loyalty & Commitment

The Stance/Internal World of Therapist

• Take Judgment Out of the Session
• Recognize that Couples Make Choices
  • Voice their Discontent
  • Shut Down Their Feelings
  • Seek Out a New Partners
• Recognize that the Conditions Leading to Affairs are a Series of Steps
  • Romance
  • Conflict
  • Avoidance of Conflict
  • Disengagement/Distance 
    • Vulnerability to Affairs
• Have Compassion for Both Partners
  • Betrayed Partner May be Suffering from PTSD
  • Betrayer Partner Often Has Great Guilt/Shame

Three Step Process for Treating Affairs

• Atone
  • Betrayed Partner Can Ask Any Question They Want
  • Betrayed Partner Expresses Their Feelings & How They’ve Been Hurt w/o Blaming
  • Betrayer Partner Hears Partner’s Feelings
  • Betrayer Partner Answers Questions with Transparency
  • Betrayer Partner Empathizes
  • Betrayer Partner Expresses Profound Remorse
• Attune
  • Betrayed Partner Feels Better Because they Understand That Betrayer Partner Does Feel Guilt/Remorse
  • Evaluating What Went Wrong
  • Conflict Management
  • Creating Friendship & Shared Meaning
  • Rebuilding Physical Intimacy
• Attach
  • Re-committing to One Another
  • Identifying How to Preserve the Commitment
  • Discussing Consequences Should an Affair Happen Again

Hold the Hope

Helping the Therapist to Hold the Hope for their Couple Clients

• Recognize the Couple’s Resilience
• Note Positive Memories Shared by the Couple
• Know that Human Beings Will Surprise You
• Reinforce Desired Behaviors
• Recognize that Everyone Has Their Own Path
  • Ultimately the Outcome of Therapy Belongs to the Couple

Tying It Together

Outline of a Typical Session

• Opening Question (e.g., “How Was Your Week?”)
• Couple’s Response is What is at the Forefront of Their Minds
• Therapist Provides Appropriate Interventions Based on Couple’s Response

Dyadic vs. Triadic Treatment

• Dyadic Places the Emphasis on Couples Talking to Each Other (Duplicates Real Life in the Office)
• Triadic Places the Emphasis on Therapist’s Interpretations & Observations of the Couple
• Exceptions to Dyadic Treatment
  • When a Partner is Unaware of How a Piece of Their History is Related to the Relationship Dynamics
  • When a Partner is Becoming Emotionally Triggered
  • When a Couple is in an Attack/Defend Patterns and Unable to Communicate Effectively Due to Flooding

How to Minimize Relapse

• Discuss Relapse Prevention in Treatment (e.g., “How Can We Make This Last All Week?”)
• Emphasize the Need for Repair Throughout the Day, Week, Marriage

Gottman Approach Appropriateness for Specific Problems

• Addiction
  • Very Appropriate
  • Couples Work is Sometimes More Effective than Individual
  • Only 30% Success Rate Even with the Best Treatments
• Personality Disorder
  • Appropriate; Challenging, but Possible
  • Be Aware that a Person May be Misdiagnosed
  • Empathy Interventions are the Most Difficult
  • Requires More of a Triadic Treatment
  • Treatment Takes Longer
  • Best to Understand Personality Disorders from the Inside

• Gottman Approach is Not Appropriate
  • When There is Characterological Domestic Violence
  • When There is an Ongoing Affair
  • When a Partner is Actively Suicidal
  • When a Partner is Psychotic

Cross Cultural Applicability

• Happiness, Factors that Create a Great Sex Life, Emotion Coaching & Nature of Emotions are Universal
• People Need Human Connection
• More Research on the Topic is Needed

Myths About the Gottman Approach

• Behavioral Therapy Approach
• Psychoeducational Approach
• Reality: The Gottman Approach is Emotional, Physiological, Existential, Narrative, & Empirically Focused

Target Audience

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